Urination

If I were to do a statistical analysis on the length of most urination sessions (including preliminaries, hand washing, and any post-mortem analysis in the vicinity of the bowl), I would venture to say the mode would end up being about 30 seconds. That seems normal assuming you are drinking a good amount of water and not on a long road trip through some parts of Utah.

This is not just a number thrown out there authoritatively; no, I have actually thought about this. First, you must know that I like warm tortillas, for wraps, fajitas, eating with some hummus, whatever, and the best way to get them to the way I like them is to throw them in the microwave for about 35 seconds. On a few occasions when I was hungry and I had to use the facilities at the same time, I decided to multitask by setting the microwave, then going to the bathroom. After a little extra cleansing of my hands, I always seem to come out with the microwave beeping. Mmmmm…….the sound of a warm tortilla to come.

Another good measure is the joint mouthwash-micturate exercise. In another effort to multitask while I am getting ready for a big night out, I sometimes pop in some mouthwash before I urinate. Per the instructions on the bottle, I am to rinse vigorously for 30 seconds for the most effective results. From my experiences in the mornings with the same mouthwash, I notice that this is about the time my mouth starts to burn a bit. Each time I attempt this while pissing, I start to get that burning feeling in my mouth right about the time I am tapping out those last drips, leading to me believe again that this session has lasted about 30 seconds.

A more internalized measure, not dependent on microwaves or mouthwash, for determining if your session has gone beyond one or two standard deviations from the average, is the stream (no pun intended) of thought test. When one actually starts urinating and there is no more work left to be done in terms of sending signals to the open the sphincter which holds the golden fluid in the bladder, the mind starts to wander and think of something else. Whether it is the hot girl at the bar you are going to talk after you get back from the bathroom (don’t splatter on yourself, stud), or wishing for this to end fast because there is water on the floor of this shopping mall bathroom and you are not sure if it is water, you usually are only thinking of one thing, and before you know it, you are done and it is time to zip up. If, however, a second stream of thought comes into the picture, like “why is this taking so long,” or “damn, this is the longest piss ever!” – you are venturing into the tails of the urination timeline distribution and the most likely explanation is you had too much to drink.