I Have Arrived

I made it to Boston and am all moved in now. The move brought with it few casualties, but most notably some dishes and martini glasses. The wine glasses miraculously survived.

I am excited to announce the imminent return of the pull up bar to my dwellings. In my apartment in grad school and in my first apartment in LA, I had a pull up bar. I would do a few here and there and it provided some good exercise for my puny guns. In my second home in LA, however, there was no good spot for it. This is no longer an issue. Call the zoo, because the pythons are about to escape.....

My first day I immediately rolled up to the closest Indian restaurant for a buffet lunch. As soon as I entered the chosen locale, I heard booming bhangra tunes coming from the bar area. They weren't just playing bhangra music, but they had a DVD of bhangra videos. Yes, those really cheesy ones. I had even seen a few of the Pure Punjabi Golden Hits Collection they were screening. I immediately knew this place was special. The food was good too.

Cambridge (the part of Boston where I am living) is a lot like LA, except without the need to drive. The population is very diverse and there is a slight left wing bend to the whole atmosphere, not unlike the feel of Venice or Santa Monica. Drivers also stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk, which is not always the case across the river in Boston. The key is to look the driver in the eye and stare them down to make them stop. This worked all the time in Santa Monica. I don't recommend this practice to the uninitiated, though, as it takes more courage than staring skills.

Minny

Well, I have left Los Angeles and am in Minnesota hanging out at home with the 'rents for a week. I got my top two wisdom teeth out while here. Painful, but Vicadin, made famous my Eminem in his musings, helped get me through.

We have a lot of Indian people in St. Cloud now. I actually saw people playing cricket in a park one day. At that moment, the ethnic breakdown in that park was 83% Indian (me, my mom, and the cricket team), 17% white (a couple taking a stroll). What country was I in?

Moving Sucks

Now that I am back in LA I need to get my shit together and move out of here by Sunday. I am at the point where I have some stuff I think I might need (during my week at home in Minnesota before I head to Boston), but am not so sure about. So this means I have most of my stuff in boxes and a lot of crap still laying around. I am frustrated to the point of yelling

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

I guess there is only one thing to do - crack open a beer and watch the episodes of Entourage I TiVoed while gone.

Uma Cidade Muita Linda

Well, I am back in the US. And I am having my standard return from abroad hangover.
People are cutting me off in traffic............I am missing having a driver.

People in the airport around me are talking about the dumbest things just to make small talk.............I am missing having background noise in a language I am only intermediately proficient in.

Well, at least there is McDonald's. I stopped there on the way home.

Oh man, I just realized my last meal prior to departure (thanks to Ravi) and my first meal upon arrival was at the arches. A sad, yet introspective look into my true self.

The few days I had in Rio were awesome! This was my second visit to this great city and it was much more fun. I mostly knew where I was going, I knew more Portuguese, and had some local contacts (mad props to Steve) and friends who were staying there (Rob and Vikas) to help show me around and meet people.

I went to my first professional futebol match, hung out at the nightly street party in Lapa, rolled to house parties and clubs while avoiding sleep for almost three days, caught great views of the city from almost everywhere, and explored the historic neighborhood of Santa Tereza during a local art festival (obrigado, amiga).

I can totally see myself heading back to Rio soon. There is a special feeling you get when you establish connections with locals, find yourself able to speak the language, and get around without too much trouble. And, I have more of this large country to see.

Rio

I am now in Rio de Janeiro. My friend Rob has a nice apartment here in Ipanema (perfect location) and we have high expectations for the few days ahead.

I had an earlier post regarding the lack of interesting people in first class. Well, on my flight from Lima to Rio, I was in first class (because it was only a 10,000 mile cost) and I had a great time. On the Lima to Sao Paulo leg, I sat next to the daughter of the Peruvian ambassador to Paraguay. On the Sao Paulo to Rio leg, I sat next to an intelligent and beautiful Rio native who did B-School in the US and had a great marketing job with a multinational corporation. I think I will clarify my remarks on the lack of good looking women in first class. There is no lack of them in South America. I guess it is just the US that has the problem.

The Jungle

After a day in Cuzco to recover from the bad pizza, I ventured to Puerto Maldonado in the Amazon basin. This city is an old rubber manufacturing center. Everyone there rides on motorcycles and auto-rickshaws, just like in India. And guess what one of the leading brands is: Bajaj.

On the way to the lodge we took a boat and got to see caymans, macaus, and capybaras along the river. The next day we went for a nature walk through the jungle, getting up at 5 am. I slept OK, but I kept thinking that a peckery (a small pig-boar like creature) was outside the bungalow. It turns out it was just the guy in the room next to mine snoring.

Wait, I need to be honest here; it was actually a woman. I just couldn´t believe a woman could sound like that.

During the nature walk we came across some pretty cool plants and insects. One insect is the leaf-cutter ant. These little guys work hard like all ants, but carry pieces of tree leaves to their colonies for food. They create large avenues on the trails and go for many meters. Looking at them from above reminded me of people in Manhattan.

Another cool phenomenon involves the flora of the jungle. One tree, a type of fig, likes to wrap itself around another vibrant tree and suck the life out of it until completely takes it over. They call it a strangler fig. They should nickname it the wife. (Oh, snap!)

Inca Trail: Day 4 and Machu Picchu

We woke up early to assemble at the checkpoint on the way to Machu Picchu. It opens at 0530. This part is kind of annoying because everyone is packed together as we all want to enjoy the lost city as empty and early as possible.

Regardless, the city is breathtaking. A great journey and a great destination.

Me duelen los pies. My feet hurt.

The rest of the journey back to Cuzco was annoying. I had to wait around the train station for a couple hours and when I finally got going, the train played loud club music, making much needed sleep difficult. The train attendants also had a fashion show in an attempt to sell varieties of alpaca sweaters and shawls. Interesting dual role.

I ended of getting sick from my lunch. Ironically, I had no problems with the high altitude or with the intense physical challenge of the trail, but my body succumbed to some nasty pizza at a tourist cafe.

Inca Trail: Day 3

In the morning it is still raining. This is the DRY season. A good reminder of the unpredictability of nature.

After a couple of hours, the rain finally stopped. At times on the trail I can see no one ahead or behind me. These are the best times as there are no sounds but the birds and the breeze...

At our lunch spot there is a part of the mountain that juts out below. Not many hikers see this as most are having lunch high above this point. I ventured out to see what was there and I was greeted with a great view of the Inca ruins the main trail soon leads to, but the gift was the view of the valley, with the River Urubamaba and the city of Aguas Calientes, as well as the back side of Machu Picchu mountain (the lost city is on the other side). Another feature of this spot is that there is mobile service, as another guide is making a cell phone call. Yes, GSM service is available even here.

Today, it didn´t rain that much, so I was able to go faster on the downhill portions. It is less painful on the knees to go faster. A couple of times, people moved aside and called out "porter" to their friends - definitely a compliment. Except, when the old British couple did it, it could have been that they just thought I was a porter because I was brown. Those damn colonialists. I will get non-violent on their ass if they try that again.

Since this is the last night of camping for the hikers, the campsite also has a welcome center that provides showers, beer, candy, and clean bathrooms. Definitely a good idea. They should also have a massage service. People would totally pay for it.

Inca Trail: Day 2

They say this is the dry season, but it rained all day. The most difficult day was today, as we cleared a pass about 14,000 feet above sea level. It was snowing and very cold at the top, but the views were awesome. As I continued on the other side of the mountain, the rain temporarily stopped and the air was calm. This is one beautiful place, I thought. Then it started raining again.

I was cruising up the mountain today. I don´t know why, I just had a lot of energy. Because most of the hikers wre below me, I was hanging out with the porters along the way. On the way down, though, they put on a clinic. It was insane how they were traversing wet stones going downhill while running. They have no fear.

Inca Trail: Day 1

We started the trek by meeting our cook and porters. Most were in their 20s, but one of them was 50 years old. I immediately had to accept the fact a 50 year old guy was going to school me on the trail.

These porters are amazing. They are carrying 40-50 pounds on their backs and running up and down the hills, some only wearing sandals. And when they rest, they prefer the local corn beer, chicha, to water, which the rest of us are chugging.

I wonder who would win in a battle of Nepal´s best sherpas and the Andes´ best porters. Of course, the match would start after a few days of acclimitization and a neutral location, like the Alps.

Today´s hike was along the River Kusichaka. We got many great views of the surrounding river. They probably say this river has been flowing for thousands of years. But each current carries a new piece of dirt, each sharp turn creates a new whirlpool. They say the river has been flowing for thousands of years, but I say this river flows anew with each passing moment.

When we camp at night I am reminded how dark the darkness really is. There are no street lights or car headlights here. It is pretty friggin´dark.

The Sacred Valley

Today, I was at the Festival of the Virgin Carmen in Pisac in the heart of the Sacred Valley of the Incas. There was music and dancing in the central square, and celebratory hats were being passed out to all of the kids for the occasion. The interesting part is that the hats were just large ads for the local beer. I guess they like to get to them young here. Next year watch out for the Marlboro ponchos.

One of the customs here between the tourists and the local people is that when a tourist takes a picture of a local they give them a sole or two as a gratuity. Today I saw an American couple give some locals their unused Doublemint gum as a tip. Don´t take the picture unless you are ready to pay the cost, or better yet, give them the 20 sole note you refuse to get off your ass and get some change for. These people need to double their income, not double their pleasure.

Los Andes

Today I am in Cuzco, in the southern part of the Andes. I haven't noticed any physiological differences due to the altitude (over 11,000 feet). I am, however, drinking a lot of water and coca leaf tea (mate de coca). I am also chewing on coca leaves per the advice of my friend Chris who is from Peru. I am definitely going to take the advice of a peruano in his own country. With that, they taste like shit (as Chris warned), and I feel like I am having a lot of paan.

I learned today that the Incan style of building walls is effective against damage from earthquakes. They used inclined walls, trapezoidal shapes, and interlocking bricks (as opposed to cement between bricks). The guide showed us a picture of a temple with both Incan and Spanish built walls before and after a major earthquake. The Spanish wall wasn't in the after shot.

I need to take back an earlier comment implying that this equatorial climate is warm. Lima was cold and Cuzco is very cold at night. It is like Delhi. The attitude is the same here too; the locals are used to it and don't crank the heat up.

Other random thoughts:
- Cuzco has a Bata shoe store. I think this is amazing.
- The alpaca was my best friend today. I pet one while checking out the sights, I am wearing an alpaca sweater, and I had alpaca steak for dinner. Love that animal.

Lima

My arrival in Lima was not as uneventful as I had hoped. The tour company I had just paid a ton of money to for this whole Peru adventure missed the airport pickup! Apparently, they thought I was coming in on the evening flight. I will properly address with my travel agent, but for now, all is well. I ended up getting in a cab and surprisingly was not kidnapped. Jose Luis only charged me $20 to get to my hotel, and he gave me a chance to practice my Castellano (that is the Latin American word for Spanish).

I am, however, dead tired after all that flying. Tonight is a chill night as I have a flight to Cuzco en la mañana. I am hanging out and reading Death in the Andes by Peruvian author Mario Vargas Llosa. For dinner, I checked out a local eatery and had some chicken, rice, and beans in a reddish sauce, along with one of the local brews, Cuzqueña (by the way, I love how I can easily type tildes on this Spanish language keyboard). This meal was a treat as my favorite food is the Indian raajma (kidney beans in a spiced tomato curry) and rice. Every culture, I feel, has this beans and rice staple meal. Even red beans and rice accompanies a good slab of Memphis ribs. Yet another thing that shows we humans are all the same.

Beans and rice, beans and rice; together they´re nice.

A great cafe idea is an all beans and rice place, but having options for the type of dish from five to ten different cultures. All you would need is a few types of beans and rice, some curries and spices, and some various vegetable pastes. This would be pretty healthy and a lot more appealing in my local food court than the Khyber Pass or Mr. Wok.

Air Time

I have finally arrived in Lima. Because of my plans to head to Rio after this and the desire to use some excess United miles for this trip, I flew from LA to Dulles to Sao Paulo to Lima. Total time was almost 24 hours. I could have been in India by now eating alu paranthas made by my Bhuaji. Mmmmm.......alu paranthas........

As you may have guessed it has been an interesting 24 hours. Ravi, upon picking me up, Robbins-ed me into eating breakfast at McDonald´s. The term "to Robbins" is derived from the motivatonal guru, Anthony Robbins (and it was not coined by me, but I use it). He instructs people to avoid being drawn into temptations because others are not strong enough to avoid them. Ravi wanted McDonald´s, but rather than declaring his desire, he asked me if I wanted McDonald´s. I didn´t really, but realized why he was asking and obliged. Thus I was Robbins-ed into it. Whatevs.....it was good. It was almost not to be though, as we pulled up at 10:35 am, five minutes after breakfast officially closes. Jorge, the guy who was in charge of changing the menu at the drive in, however, assured us with an enthusiastic "Si!" when we asked if we could still get the morning fare. Thanks, Jorge. I'm lovin' it.

At the airport I realized I forgot to take my malaria pill, so I grabbed some water and pulled the package out. These things are so damn hard to open. You need really sharp nails to peel back the packaging. I didn´t have these at my disposal and, because I was already past security, there wasn´t a scissors or knife for miles. I resorted to a plastic knife and achieved success by using a sawing motion on the package. MacGyver would be proud.

Onto the flights.....why are United international flights so damn cold? We´re going from summer in the US to an equatorial climate. No one has their winter jacket with them. Why so cold?

I am sitting next to a guy (who has the middle seat) that claims he can´t remember the last time he wasn´t in first class. Yeah right, buddy, that is why you have the worst seat now. You have some major pull here.

I always wonder if what happened to Jerry Seinfeld (sitting next to a hot model) will ever happen to me? The closest I got recently was on a flight from San Juan to LA. I was one row behind and a few seats over from this gorgeous woman from Trinidad. It was torture, however, as I had to listen to the guy next to her, who had no game whatsoever, go on for most of the eight hour flight.

"Oh, you´re from Trinidad. Cool. Is that, like, Trinidad and Tobago? Cool."

I guess sitting next to a cute girl never happens in first class. Often in life, we may find ourselves seeking a figurative first class, but we will probably end up sitting next to an old white man, so sometimes it is just better to roll with what you have and enjoy.

Heading South

In about 10 minutes my good friend Ravi is going to give me a ride to the airport and I will be on my way to a 2 1/2 week trip to Peru (Lima, Cuzco, Inca Trail, Puerto Maldonado) and Brazil (Rio de Janeiro). Should be awesome!

I just removed my gold chain from my neck though. I never take this off, so my neck feels naked. I need to get one of those cheap bead necklaces as soon as hit South American soil. The reason I remove it is related to the last time it was off my neck.

It was during my trip to Rio last May. My friends and I were hanging out at on the beach around sunrise after a night out (OK, granted, this is no place to be at sunrise, but vacation plus alcohol equals exploring all parts of this foreign land). Anyway, from out of nowhere, a six year old kid jumps up and snatches the gold chain off my neck. Instinct immediately took over. Because I wear a pendant with the Om symbol and a picture of Lord Ganesha on it, I screamed at the lad, "E meu Cristo," implying that chain is like a cross hanging from my neck.

Amazingly, even the poor who have resorted to crime maintain their strong Catholic faith in this country, and he immediately returned it to me after looking at what he had taken.

Craigslist Scams

So I am moving and selling a lot (actually all) of my stuff on Craigslist. I am sure I am preaching to the choir when I say Craigslist is awesome, but there are still people who take advantage of the trust factor.

Namely, for my mattress, box spring, and frame I got not one, but two, offers to have a check for a large amount of money sent to me and then instructing me to send the difference plus my costs to a shipper via Western Union or cashier's check. Talk about amateurs. The first warning on the Craigslist scams page is this very scam! They would have had better luck coming to my place and just beating me up and taking my money.

One of the scammers used the name Joy Merry. Gimme a break - that is the most fake sounding name in the world. Or that is what I thought until I did a search on it and there are actually people with that name. Life must suck when people expect you to be happy all the time, just because your name implies it.

We're Gonna Make It After All....

This weekend I got a reminder that next summer is my high school reunion. Less than a year to get a life.....but really, I am no longer in touch with anyone from my school, except one kid a few years younger than me (see previous post).

The last time I saw them was after grad school. We did the usual central Minnesota thing and sat around their house and drank while watching TV, then went out to the bars.

On one of those nights out has some moments which are forever ingrained in my head and remind me of what I left back home. A girl who ignored me through most of high school was, upon realizing that someone different was at this bar after months of talking to the same people, suddenly my best pal. Another guy, unmotivated to do anything in his formative years, upon hearing of my tenures in Chicago and the Bay Area, told me "That is cool. I want to go to Seattle." I thought, "Hold on a second Cobain....do you even know where it is on a map?"

Moving Soon

Less than a month left in LA. I will be in Boston by mid August. At this stage, I need to live in large metro areas with diverse populations. Growing up in Minnesota, there were no other Indian kids in my high school class. The only other kid in the high school entered 9th grade when I was a senior. We got along instantly though - he was my little brother. We formed an unofficial Indian club which consisted of having dinner together, arguing and fighting occasionally, and going on some trips together. We got our parents to chaperone those. Unfortunately, the school would not subsidize the costs of these club activities. Racists.

Flat Pop

I stopped drinking soda regularly a few years ago, but every now and then I have the pleasure of seeing an old 2-liter bottle of 7up (or its cousins Sprite and Sierra Mist) in someone's fridge, guaranteed to be flat so I can avoid the gassy taste I have come to no longer enjoy.

Damn! That shit is good....

By the way, I am from Minnesota, and we call it pop, not soda.

Urination

If I were to do a statistical analysis on the length of most urination sessions (including preliminaries, hand washing, and any post-mortem analysis in the vicinity of the bowl), I would venture to say the mode would end up being about 30 seconds. That seems normal assuming you are drinking a good amount of water and not on a long road trip through some parts of Utah.

This is not just a number thrown out there authoritatively; no, I have actually thought about this. First, you must know that I like warm tortillas, for wraps, fajitas, eating with some hummus, whatever, and the best way to get them to the way I like them is to throw them in the microwave for about 35 seconds. On a few occasions when I was hungry and I had to use the facilities at the same time, I decided to multitask by setting the microwave, then going to the bathroom. After a little extra cleansing of my hands, I always seem to come out with the microwave beeping. Mmmmm…….the sound of a warm tortilla to come.

Another good measure is the joint mouthwash-micturate exercise. In another effort to multitask while I am getting ready for a big night out, I sometimes pop in some mouthwash before I urinate. Per the instructions on the bottle, I am to rinse vigorously for 30 seconds for the most effective results. From my experiences in the mornings with the same mouthwash, I notice that this is about the time my mouth starts to burn a bit. Each time I attempt this while pissing, I start to get that burning feeling in my mouth right about the time I am tapping out those last drips, leading to me believe again that this session has lasted about 30 seconds.

A more internalized measure, not dependent on microwaves or mouthwash, for determining if your session has gone beyond one or two standard deviations from the average, is the stream (no pun intended) of thought test. When one actually starts urinating and there is no more work left to be done in terms of sending signals to the open the sphincter which holds the golden fluid in the bladder, the mind starts to wander and think of something else. Whether it is the hot girl at the bar you are going to talk after you get back from the bathroom (don’t splatter on yourself, stud), or wishing for this to end fast because there is water on the floor of this shopping mall bathroom and you are not sure if it is water, you usually are only thinking of one thing, and before you know it, you are done and it is time to zip up. If, however, a second stream of thought comes into the picture, like “why is this taking so long,” or “damn, this is the longest piss ever!” – you are venturing into the tails of the urination timeline distribution and the most likely explanation is you had too much to drink.

Glengarry for Indian Men

Yeah, I am a fan of Mamet. Here is another take on the Glengarry Glen Ross diatribe that applies to us Indian men in our late 20's and still single.

Indian Marriage

Scene:

Vijay Uncle’s living room, total desi style

Cast:

Vijay Uncle: Friend of the Father of Rohit, (who is Tauji to Vikash and Laxman)

Sanjay: Arranged Married nephew of Vijay and cousin of V, L, and R (below), 35

Vikash, Laxman, Rohit: 3 late 20’s Indian men, all cousins, sans solid marriage prospects

Vijay Uncle: (smoking a bidi) Let me have your attention for a moment. ‘Cause you’re talkin’ about what, you’re talkin’ about (takes last drag of bidi and puts out), bitchin’ about that VC pitch you shot, some bahen chod doesn’t want to give you money, some gori secretary you tryin’ to screw, so forth. Let’s talk about something important.

(to Sanjay) Are they all here?

Sanjay: All but one.

Vijay Uncle: Well I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important.

(to Laxman, getting a samosa from living room table) Put that samosa down. (walks closer) Samosas are for married men. (Laxman chuckles) Do you think I’m fuckin’ with you? (Shakes head once) I am not fucking with you.

I’m here from Delhi, I am here from your Dada and Dadi and I’m here on a mission of mercy. You’re name’s Laxman? You call yourself a real Indian man you son of a bitch?

Vikash: I don’t got to listen to this shit.

Vijay Uncle: You certainly don't pal ‘cause the good news is you're being kicked out of your homes, the bad new is you’ve got, all of you’ve got just one month to get your rooms back,
starting with tonight, starting with tonight's mehndi party.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, ‘cause we're adding a little something to your marriage contest. As you all know first one to tie the knot gets a share in your eldest Tauji’s property in Rajendra Nagar, anybody want to see 2nd prize? 2nd prize is a new rice cooker. 3rd prize is
you're out of the house! (Pause) Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now?

You got potential candidates, Dada and Dadi used their old business contacts to get them invited, get their names to get yourself a wife. You can’t get a wife out of the girls you meet, you can’t get shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ‘cause you are out.

Laxman: The girls are weak

Vijay Uncle: The girls are weak? The fuckin’ girls are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been married for forty years…

Vikash: What’s your name?

Vijay Uncle: Fuck you! That’s my name. (Vikash chuckles)

You know why mister? ‘Cause you ate at Taco Bell tonight and I got a five course Punjabi dinner cooked for me by my wife. That’s my name.

(to Laxman) And your name is your wanting. You can’t play in a man’s game, you can’t get married, then go back to your chat room and tell your cyber-friends your troubles.

Because only one thing counts in this life. Get a girl to want to marry you. You hear me you fuckin’ faggots?

(Pause, go to board)

A B C, A Always B Be C Courting. Always Be Courting, Always Be Courting.

A I D A, Attention Interest Decision Action

Attention – Do I have your attention?

Interest – Are you interested? I know you are ‘cause it’s shaadhi or walk, you get a girl or you hit the bricks.

Decision – Have you made your decision for Krishna?

And Action.

A – I – D - A , Get down there, you’ve got desperate fathers making offers. You think they mention their daughters to us just to meet new people? A family don’t make an offer lest they want the girl to get married. They’re sitting there waiting to give you their daughters. Are you gonna accept them? Are you man enough to accept them?

(Vikash shakes head)

What’s the problem chotu, you Vikash?

Vikash: You’re such a hero, you’re so smart. How come you’re coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of duffers?

Vijay Uncle: (Pulls out picture of him and wife together) You see this picture? You see this picture? (V: Yeah) You would have to pay a woman to stand this close to you! I arranged five marriages last year, how many girls did you meet?

You see pal that’s who I am and you’re nothing. Funny kid? I don’t give a shit. Good at finance? Fuck you, go put together an Excel model. You want to live here, get married!

(To Rohit) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get from a potential bride’s mother? You don’t like it, leave.

I can go out there tonight with the candidates you got, get myself three dates for next week, tonight, in two hours. Can you? Can you?

Go and do likewise, A I D A

Get mad you kutthas get mad!

You know what it takes to find a good wife? (softly) It takes brass tiffins to find a good wife.

Go and do likewise gents. The girls are out there, you meet them they’re yours. You don’t I got no sympathy for you.

You want to go to the function tonight and find the girl, find her! She’s yours. If not you’re gonna be shinin’ my chapals. And you know what you’ll be sayin, bunch a losers who never married sitting around in a local dhaba, “Oh yeah, I used to be engaged, it’s a tough racket” (mocks eating food off with hands)

(Pause to get something from a medical conference bag)

These are the new bio-datas. These are the Gurgaon bio-datas and to you they’re gold and you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them you is just throwing them away. They’re for serious Indian men.

I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what do with it if you got it.

(retrieved picture from Vikash)

And to answer you’re question chotu, Why am I here?

I came because Dada and Dadi asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and kick your fuckin’ ass out because a loser is a loser.

I Am a Mamet Wanna Be

I wrote this scene. It is an embellishment of actual events.......not sure what I will do with it.

Lobby of Hotel Mondrian, Los Angeles.

Man and two hotel guests, two guards, others in lobby are loitering.
Dec 31, 1999.

Guard 1: You are going to have to leave the hotel now, guests with room keys ONLY.

Man: This is such bullshit, just because it is New Year’s?

Guard 1: Sir, this is always our policy. We have the right to enforce who enters the hotel. Now, you and your friends must leave.

Man: Oh, man. I can’t believe this SHIT! You guys are such fucking monkies.

(Guard 2 lunges at Man, hits in face. Man recovers coolly while Guard 1 keeps the two at a distance. Man is shaken, but not hurt or injured. Guest 1 comes over to help Man, Lobby extras stop talking and look, some murmur and whisper)

Man: You stupid prick. You stupid, fucking prick. Do you know what you just did? (Short Pause) Asshole? (Long Pause) You just broke a contract…(Guard 2 looking confused, slightly moves lips as if he is going to say something) Hold on a second…you just broke a time honored contract. (Medium Pause) A man is in a certain locale, away from his home. A man is in a place. He is in need of a bed and a nice meal for the night. He goes to another man and says, “Sir, I would like to have a room in you establishment.” The other man obliges and money is exchanged for the service rendered. Do you get it? Do you see what I am saying? Dumbfuck? You are a member of the service industry. SERVICE. Your job is to help this hotel serve its customers. Not to attack them. Of course, you have your documents with your fucking small print and clauses to say you have a RIGHT. But you forgot about the unwritten contract. That of men, and not fairies. That, assuming no one is loud and unruly, that all are welcome in the hotel. You forgot, and now you’re fucked. I tell you what else; I am going to press charges. Oh yes. Not because I am hurt. No. Because I want to make sure you don’t ever do this to your wife or your kids or your fifty-dollar whores and ruin their lives; if you haven’t already, you fucking fat-ass. Soon you’re gonna spend your nights on hard beds and your days with your new bank robber boyfriends. Now, … get the fuck out of my face. (Leaves with other Guests. Guards calmly argue. Lobby extras are silent)

Glengarry Glen Ross

Glengarry Glen Ross is a great play written by David Mamet. The movie has an all star cast and adds one scene where Alec Baldwin rips four real estate agents a new one on a rainy Chicago evening before they go out and work their leads. Below is a take on that my friend Mike and I wrote in grad school related to proposing for research grants (the setting is the Department of Aeronautics and Astronautics at Stanford around 2000. Some of the terms are specific to Stanford)......

Propose

Scene:

026 conference room

Cast:

Blake: Professor, head of research lab

Williamson: Post Doc

Moss, Levene, Aronow: 3 Bumbling PhD hopefuls, working in the lab,

Blake: (smoking a cigarette) Let me have your attention for a moment. ‘Cause you’re talkin’ about what, you’re talkin’ about (takes last drag of cigarettee and puts out), bitchin’ about that circuit you shorted, some son of a bitch capacitor gets overloaded, some coed in the class you’re TA-in’ you tryin’ to get on, so forth. Let’s talk about something important.

(to Williamson) Are they all here?

Williamson: All but one.

Blake: Well I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important.

(to Levene, in back getting a piece of pizza from table) Put that pizza down. (walk closer) Pizza’s for proposers only. (Levene chuckles) Do you think I’m fuckin’ with you? (Shakes head once) I am not fucking with you.

I’m here from upstairs, I am here from Springer and Sally (Note: Dept. chair and coordinator) and I’m here on a mission of mercy. You’re name’s Levene? You call yourself an engineer you son of a bitch?

Moss: I don’t got to listen to this shit.

Blake: You certainly don't pal ‘cause the good news is your funding is dropped,
the bad new is you’ve got, all of you’ve got just one week to get it back,
starting with tonight, starting with tonight's proposals.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, ‘cause we're adding a little something to this month’s lab contest. As you all know first prize is being PI (Note: Principal Investigator) on the next grant, anybody want to see 2nd prize? 2nd prize is a new soldering kit. 3rd prize is
your fired! (Pause) Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now?

You got topics, Springer and Sally paid good money, get their names to generate grants. You can’t propose for grants on the research topics you’re given, you can’t propose shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ‘cause you are out.

Levene: The research is weak

Blake: The research is weak? The fuckin’ research is weak? You’re weak. I’ve been here for fifteen years…

Moss: What’s your name?

Blake: Fuck you! That’s my name. (Moss chuckles)

You know why mister? ‘Cause you rollerbladed to get here tonight and I biked on a $2,000 Cannondale. That’s my name.

(to Levene) And your name is your wanting. You can’t play in a man’s game, you can’t propose for them, then go back to EV (Note: Escondido Village grad. student apts.) and tell your roommates your troubles.

Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to grant money in the Department’s name. You hear me you fuckin’ faggots?

(Pause, go to board)

A B P, A Always B Be P Proposing. Always Be Proposing, Always Be Proposing.

S S D L, Sacrifice Separation Decision Labor

Sacrifice – Have you sacrificed your social life?

Separation – Are you separated from the real world? I know you are ‘cause it’s fuck or walk, you propose or you hit the bricks.

Decision – Have you made your decision for Christ?

And Labor.

S – S – D - L , Get down there, you’ve got sponsoring agencies making offers. You think they offer money to people just to account for their budgets? An agency don’t make a request lest they want to fund. They’re sitting there waiting to give you their grant money. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?

(Moss shakes head)

What’s the problem pal, you Moss?

Moss: You’re such a hero, you’re so smart. How come you’re coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Blake: (Pulls out calculator) You see this calculator? You see this calculator? (Yeah) This calculator cost more than your Desktop PC! I was granted $970,000 last year, how much were you granted?

You see pal that’s who I am and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good IM Football player? Fuck you, go run a post pattern. You want to work here, propose!

(To Aronow) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a review? You don’t like it, leave.

I can got out there tonight with the materials you got, write myself $15,000 in grants, tonight, in two hours. Can you? Can you?

Go and do likewise, S S D L

Get mad you SOB’s get mad!

You know what it takes to write a good proposal? (softly) It takes brass balls to write a good proposal.

Go and do likewise gents. The money’s out there, you pick it up it’s yours. You don’t I got no sympathy for you.

You want to go to the lab tonight and propose, propose! It’s yours. If not you’re gonna be shinin’ my shoes. And you know what you’ll be sayin, bunch a losers from a failed startup sitting around in a bar, “Oh yeah, I used to be a research scientist, it’s a tough racket” (takes sip of mock drink)

(Pause to get something from backpack)

These are the new RFP’s (Note: Requests for Proposal). These are the DARPA RFP’s (Note: Defense Advance Research Projects Agency) and to you they’re gold and you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them you is just throwing them away. They’re for proposers.

I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what do with it if you got it.

(retrieved calculator from Moss)

And to answer you’re question pal, Why am I here?

I came because Springer and Sally asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fuckin’ ass because a loser is a loser.

Test

This is a test for using the email option to publish. What if I bcc-ed this email on every email I send to give me an overview of my email flow. Reading that back would probably make me realize how I have wasted the day.

But I am on summer vacation so that is ok. I miss the days of yore before college and work when I would have the entire summer off and did not feel pressure to get a job or an internship to increase my inventory management or telemarketing skills.